i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
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