Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
