remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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