put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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