Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The Olympian is in my bed
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
