you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
