I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
