Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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