I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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