I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
