Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
