He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
