I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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