k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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