never play flip cup with pint glasses
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize