Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
