I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
