So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
