I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
