my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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