her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
