I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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