You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
