tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
