why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
