my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
