My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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