don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
