Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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