Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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