Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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