I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize