i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize