I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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