I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
