Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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