just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This is my gift to your gina
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
