I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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