Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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