dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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