Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
