dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
