They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
