Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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