I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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