I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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