so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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