I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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