my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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