his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
