Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
