my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
