He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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