why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ok first of all what the fuck
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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