I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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