when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
