she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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