if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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